Finding everyone, not yourself.

Finding everyone, not yourself



It had taken seven years of sporadic saving, but I had finally arrived upon the wilderness of Siberian Russia. Drunk with the scenery I heard not much of my newly acquainted Russian friends’ proposals as I unconsciously hooked my rucksack over my back. After a few polite nudges from Brasislav I was reignited with true focus and followed his lead to where we were due to spend the next fortnight.
Despite holding conversation with my friend I easily succumbed, yet again, to the intoxicating scenery. Whether I was doing so to justify leaving my girlfriend, job and family behind I wasn’t certain of but if I was acting in such a way no guilt or regret found its claws under my skin or in my mind. Emotion may have been reluctant to present itself to me, well at least in regards to my life back home. However I fear I need to confess that I am here due to life back home, well in my eyes at least. Tormented from such an early age and incapable of ever attaching myself to any art or being for more than a week seemed an impossible task for me. I knew I wasn’t empty of talent, love or dedication but whether it was picking my pen up to write and instantly feeling the need to strum my guitar, or grasping my weights and then believing I should open a book instead or more saddening having my beloved Meghan in my arms then feeling the need to be alone, I consistently battled with my troubling indecisiveness. Not only would this frustrate me to the points where I’d drink until death seemed beautiful, it would trouble those who cared for me. Each of them, both friends and family had direction, beliefs and structure and how I had grown to envy them, sometimes close to hatred on some occasions. So with scattered promises to each of those I loved I packed as little as possible and flew to Russia in pursuit of an interest that hadn’t lost its pungency since childhood.
Within days of landing in Moscow I had met Brasislav at Moscow’s city zoo. Where after spotting each another through the Perspex of the Tiger compound we seemed to draw each another in, not through some instance of love but with the love we had for the beasts behind the Perspex. Our conversations, despite the clash of dialects seemed to flow as if lost brothers. And like lost brothers I embraced him when after hours of discussion he informed me that he would take me to the far reaches of Siberia to try spot the wonderful beasts in their true environment.
Our train couldn’t reach a stop, of which there were many, without my thanking Brasislav for his generosity in bringing me along with him. He would however need to calm me on occasion and inform me the beasts where as elusive as they were beautiful; Sobering thoughts for I but never diminishable. Our train upon reaching its final terminal made an announcement that only Brasislav could understand. I of course mirrored his every move upon departure, that was until the scenery for the first time in two days remained still for me and as afore mentioned left me somewhat astounded.
I couldn’t find the patience for the time it took Brasislav’s uncle to prepare our long awaited meal. I think both he and his Uncle Vladimir knew so, so when I requested leave of their company both laughed and allowed my wanderings to begin. Not ten lunges towards the wooded area had passed when I hear Brasislav call. As i turned I noticed him holding a rifle in his hand. ‘Least you wish to fill the stomach of the beast.’ I instantly felt the fool for being so overwhelmed that I’d wish to wander into a land of such danger with nothing but my camera on my being. With a quick lesson on how to operate the arm I was soon off again, with the promise of company after lunch was had.
Hour’s had went by as had the miles and I had to depress my sense of adventure due to the demands of my stomach. The walk back brought no sense of defeat, each step I took to rejoin Brasislav and his uncle felt as liberating as the lunges I had took coming forth. I even began to hear the faint calls of my friend whilst trekking back but kept my voice mute as I knew we were but minutes apart and felt reluctant to spoil such beauty with course bellows. A twig then snapped off to my right which drew my attention from studying the footprints Id made not thirty minutes previous.
The snow that reflected from my eyes then lost its whiteness and filled with amber. I shut my eyes for which felt a year but in reality was seconds and upon reopening the tiger was no longer a possibly mirage. I brought Brasislav’s rifle to attention, but with no intent. He had told me if the impossible took place and I were to lay sight on one of the beasts that chance’s where they wouldn’t confront unless provoked. This in mind I rested the rifle by my leg, loaded but not aiming at the beast. I carefully watched the beast as it’s ear’s manoeuvred towards the direction of Brasislav and his uncle. My heart beat, loud enough to dull out my voice, rampaged inside. I was noticing his limbs slowly pull from the snow and plunge just inches ahead. I had seen this a million times on television but not a single knowledgeable word of advice found its place in my head. So I stood, as frozen as the environment around me, celebrating what my eyes portrayed but all the while paralysed with fear. The beast seemed to now dedicate an ear for the distant Brasislav, but only that as everything else seemed dedicated to me. His teeth slowly began to emerge, leaving his whiskers towering above the long amber snout. Hisses soon followed along with my presumption that keeping the gun by my leg was no longer and safe option. Lifting the gun I knew I had to rid my eyes of the what felt like a reservoir of water that accumulated from the cold winds battering my sight. However the quick blink I chose to eradicate the cold tears from my eyes was to be in vain. When I found clear sight I could see nothing but the colours of the beast that had thrown me to the ground. I tried with all my might to free myself of what felt like a giants grip but all my attempts ended with another part of my being feeling as if just hit by a bulldozer ball. All I could manage was screams but with little effort as I felt the beasts jaw tighten on my neck.
As gun fire rang out so did the beasts fangs. I could see for the split second I managed to lift my neck that the beast gave thought about finishing me off but the quicker the gun shots arrived the more agitated he seemed and as quick as we’d met, he was gone.
Russian words that I had not one piece of understanding soon filled my ears. However instead of confusing me they seemed fitting as I looked at the sky and saw more than clouds. I saw each and every face that had ever had a resounding affect on my life and realised that despite all their beauty and love that not one of them would, and I felt assured in this assumption, fathom my death out. That in mind, even as felt my life trickle across my unshaven neck, I laid not a single slice of blame on them for their would-be ignorance. It had been my decision to construct a life through the eyes of everyone but myself. Through such actions I may have forfeited my life but if I never wake again, least I know that I finally experienced life by my own accord.